Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Why I've Been MIA...

Some of you...if anyone stuck with me on here...may have realized that I have been MIA for a while, like 5 months awhile. I guess now is a good enough time as any to catch everyone up. Literally right after I had blogged my last post about 3 months left until the big day the shit hit the fan...and it hit hard! I have been holding off writing this post because one, I honestly didn't think anyone would continue to follow me and two, I was embarrassed and felt like a failure for a long here I go.

We had been having a rough time on the in-law front but after our two vacations I thought that things were getting a little better. The vacations seemed to help and we were dealing with the punches little by little. I realized I had been mistaken when Kevin came home and informed me that he did not want this anymore. And when you ask what is "this?" I can't really tell you, because 5 months later I still don't have an answer. Without going into too much detail here's what happened. I thought everything was good, that we had become a united front. We came back from vacation refreshed and had just had a good night out for a friend's birthday. The next day something didn't seem right with him. When I asked him he refused to talk to me and kept saying nothing was wrong....the next day he came home talking about how him and his parents had made up (without me present or involved, or an apology for me) and now he felt that we should all get along and sweep everything under the rug. This is after a huge betrayal, threats, and ultimatums on their part. I told him that I wasn't happy they cornered him into talking to them without me and that I would listen to what they had to say but things would not be okay for a while. He called me every name in the book, said I was being a drama queen, and loved having drama in my life and was dragging this on. Now for anyone that knows me you can laugh at this statement, as I stay away from drama and don't like to come near it with a ten foot pole. Well the next day is when he informed me that he couldn't do "this." After hours of asking him what "this" was he said the wedding. When I asked him if this stemmed from not wanting to get married in general or to me he couldn't say. I still don't think he even knows as his answers ranged from I don't want to get married in general, to I think we should push back the wedding, to I don't want to get married but I want to stay in a relationship.

Are you confused? Because I sure was from the lack of straight answers. When I asked how long he wanted to push back the wedding for and why after 2 1/2 years was he telling me this now he didn't know. I told him that I wasn't going to waste waiting around for him to decide when he was ready to make a commitment when I had already wasted 2 1/2 years already. Did he want me to wait around another year only to start planning again and then 3 months before tell me he wasn't ready again!? So what had we been doing all this time.

After days of me trying to get him to talk and explain this decision to me, which he dropped this on me then wouldn't come home, or talk to me about his reasons, to him telling me that he didn't need therapy because it's only for crazy people...he came home after work packed his bags and said he was staying at his parents. Told me he was sorry, which was not genuine at all, and walked out. I spent the next week crying non stop, feeling sorry for myself, packing, and over analyzing every detail to try and understand why he was doing this.

Then the clouds parted, I got my butt off the couch and just said to myself, what the hell am I doing? Why am I letting this piece of shit make me feel this way? And that's the day the tears stopped. I made the conscious decision that if someone I thought loved me could just get up and walk away after 2 1/2 years together and 10 years as friends without as much as a reason then this person clearly is not worth my time, tears or energy. I packed up my stuff and got the hell out of our apartment.

You know the George Straight song, She Let Herself Go? That's exactly what I did. Had the time of my life, worked on me, instead of taking care of an over sized child, hung out with friends and just lived. I couldn't believe how happy I was and finally realized how miserable I was with him and that I almost settled with someone that I never would have been happy with my entire life. Him leaving and showing just how immature he is was the best thing to happen to me and I can say that and truly mean it. And you know what...I found a man that makes me so happy I never thought this level of happiness with someone could exist. He treats a woman the way we should be treated.

So don't feel sorry for me...this story has a happy ending! I now realize what I should deserve and I have it! It's a brand new chapter in my life and I can't wait to see what's next. So stick with me! I'll keep you posted on life in Upstate NY and the amazing summer that I had while saying hello to fall and new beginnings!

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